Strugr

There is no blog but remonstrans, and dissidens is its prophet.

 

I've seen his picture. He's a false prophet. He was wearing a terrycloth turban and a bathrobe. He's wanted in three countries for stealing hotel amenities.

 

Dear Zack,

Howdy from Kentucky! Lately I've been seeing this guy who sneezes every time we kiss. Should I change my lipstick brand (Wild Thing's Mustang Red) for a man I barely know to secure a relationship that just began yesterday evening at the bowling alley?

Distressfully yours,
Pouty in Paduka

 

An excellent question, Pouty. Unfortunately by the time I answer it the relationship will probably be over.

 

I've recently switched to a new line of hair care products. The line includes mousse, hairspray, scented shampoo and conditioner, and gravity defying gel. Should I pay with cash or debit?

 

Yesterday I decorated two cucumbers as people--one as a man and one as a woman. The man has a mustache, and the woman has lips. They both have crossed eyes. I named them Mr. and Mrs. Cucilumber. They're sitting on my desk now, and I plan to eat one of them today. Why do I feel guilty about it? And who do I eat first?

 

Dear Wondering: for gravity defying use debit. You'll need your cash in space. Contrary to popular opinion, visa is not 'everywhere you want to be'.

Cucumber Cannibal: I'll have to answer your question in more detail. Try to hold off if you can. My regular column will appear tomorrow.

Nice consonance, both of you.

 

I wish I had known that that the oracle had spoken. Mr. Cucilumber is no more, though there is a nice headstone marking the spot where he was last seen. Mrs. Cucilumber is no longer smiling.

 

Ah there you are. I thought I'd lost you Cannibal. As I said in another comment (I enjoy quoting myself), please tell the mujer cucumber that I'm available for grief questions.

 

A Romney presidential campaign sign by the side of the road prompts this question:
Is Mitt a given first name, a nick name, or is it short for something?

 

Short for something. You'll never guess what. Unfortunately for Mr. Romney, you don't need to: I'll deal with this in the next weekly column.

 

My black sweater is shedding fuzzies all over my blue shirt. I look like a hairy bruise, and I know I'll always be single. Can you recommend a perfume that will drive men wild?

Furry in Frankfort

 

Dear Zack, My coworker and I have been discussing the probability that, had the temptation in the garden been a vegetable instead of a fruit, we might still be living there now. Besides, "Eating the forbidden vegetable" doesn't have the same cadence... What are your thoughts on this?

Green Pepper or Apple?

 

Dear Zack,

I have this co-worker who is constantly harassing me. I believe she is intimidated by my superior intellect. Is there a way to ease the tension without dumbing down to her level? Some people are as sharp as a knitting needle, while others tend to be just yarn.

Signed,
Not Yarn.

 

My co-worker is under the mistaken illusion that he posesses a superior intellect. He believes that I'm intimidated by him, which is proof only of his superior imagination. How can I express my contempt for him in such a way that he will still keep on sending me funny internet videos but otherwise leave me alone? Some people are worth their weight in gold and others in recycled teabags.

HARTrouble

 

All (except HARTrouble): I have answered your questions here. HARTrouble: your question, which is latent in more ways than one, will be answered in the next weekly column.

 

Dear Zack,

I have this stalker. She follows me everywhere I go. I just found out that she is moving into my apartment complex. What is my best protection? Killer dog, mace or a necklace made of garlic?