Strugr

Fortunately as things reached this juncture, a cloud passed between them and the sun. Upon closer inspection, they observed the cloud to be the shadow of a man: a minister of great height, eating a banana, which he absently put in his ear. He looked down upon them with a genial eye and boomed down from above:

“WELL, WELL, WELL, WHAT HAVE WE HERE? SPEAKING IN THE STREET, EH? AND WHO, MAY I ASK, IS THE LUCKY MAN?”

Snort glanced at the flattened Seminarian, but he wasn’t moving.

“Ah believe, Sir, that would be me, Sir.”

“SPEAK UP MAN! DON’T BE FRIGHTENED!”

Snort backed away three steps, reared on his hind legs, measured the distance between his mouth and the man’s ear, and belted out: “AH, THAT WOULD BE ME, SIR!”

All stood waiting. There was a moment of awkwardness as Snort fell heavily to the earth.

When the tremors had passed, the heroine shouted: “There must be a mistake! I don’t plan to marry anyone until the end of the book!”

The minister’s brow darkened. The banana trembled in his ear, and his voice rolled out like a bolt of thunder: “MY DEAR, IF YOU HOPE TO BE THE HEROINE OF A RELIGIOUS ROMANCE, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE WILLING TO PUT ASIDE YOUR RUPLES!”

“AH BELIEVE YOU MEAN SCRUPLES!” Snort screamed, from his semi recumbent posture.

“EXCUSE ME YOUNG MAN, I CAN’T HEAR YOU—I SEEM TO HAVE A BANANA IN MY EAR. BUT LET ME ADDRESS MYSELF TO THIS YOUNG WOMAN: YOUNG WOMAN, A CORK IN THE ROAD IS BEFORE YOU. ON THE RIGHT HAND—YOUR LEFT—LIES THE BEATEN PATH OF THE CHRISTIAN ROMANCE. ON THE OTHER HAND—YOUR RIGHT, MY LEFT—LIES THE MORDID PATH OF REALITY. WHICH WILL IT BE: MY RIGHT OR YOUR LEFT?”

“SORDID,” Snort yelled. “AH BELIEVE YOU MEAN SORDID, AND FORK!”

“YOUNG MAN, I APOLOGIZE: YOU FLAIL IN A MOST INTERESTING MANNER. BUT I CAN'T HEAR YOU BECAUSE I HAVE A BANANA IN MY EAR.”

The heroine shook with frustration. She was visibly unhinged. She swung her purse at the minister, hitting him in the knee.

In the ensuing earthquake, the tavern on the corner gave a few tremulous sighs and collapsed into a tired heap on the ground. They all stood vibrating and beheld the ruins. Rip moaned as if in pain, and turned to the heroine, his jaw working in the evening breeze. She came. There were tears in his eyes. He held out his hand, revealing a piece of chewed gum. “Will you hold this for me,” he whispered hoarsely. “I bit my cheek.”

The Plot Evaporates In a Thick Haze

The Indian was a Seminarian, a member of the local tribe who forayed into the town and harassed the inhabitants, stirring them up to ask futile questions such as whether Paul had a beard. He folded his arms across his chest and studied her disapprovingly.

‘This is no work for a woman.’ He intoned. He spoke quickly, concisely, as if he were impatient with the conversation though it had just begun.

‘Get away from me, you horrid man!’ sputtered the female, still winded from being smacked into the side of the barn.

‘A woman’s place is in the wigwam.’ he said shortly.

‘An Indian’s place is at the bottom of the river’ she snapped, clutching her skirt.

‘You ought to be careful.’ He said darkly.

And she saw his tomahawk gleaming lightly on his left thigh. She let the point go, but the position of her head betrayed traces of resentment. ‘How long do I have to carry these things around? You were supposed to be here hours ago.’

‘I was, but you were being espoused to the Hero, and then you disappeared into the tavern with the tall, dark, and handsome man.’

‘Why do we have to have all this secrecy anyway?’

He considered. As he surmised her in silence, he seemed to hear a distant, dirty river…. It called to him, and he turned away. ‘Because of the crocodiles’ he muttered. And his eyes were clouded. He had read Kipling.

“Excuse Me?” the heroine shrieked.

He turned back like lightning, and clapped a hand over her mouth. Her eyes were wide with terror: he was torn between anger, and a torrent of grey green water. He fought for self control. At length, He released her. ‘There are no crocodiles.’ He said it almost sadly. Then he nodded his head towards the interior of the barn, and crossed his arms where he stood, looking violence at the passersby. They did not care that there were no crocodiles. They did not even know.

When the heroine emerged, her figure, which was so womanly, was noticeably less well padded about the tassels of her graduation gown.

 Actually, Ruben and Heidi are the only known people on the face of the earth to claim adherence to *The 1629 Charter Of Massachusetts Bay. *This being since the Charter was revoked in 1684. This is due to the fact that the colony consistently violated the terms of the charter and repeatedly evaded or ignored royal orders by operating an illegal mint, establishing religious rather than property  Anglicans.

 But, in actuality Ruben and Heidi are making a false claim of adherence due to lack of members. In order to properly adhere they will need 18 more Africans in order to properly adhere to the 18 Assistants*/[1]/* whose office must be held in order to comply to the charter. This is presupposing that Ruben and Heidi each hold the offices of Governor and Deputy Governor respectively. With that said, Ruben and Heidi are going to need more than one  person in order to properly adhere to the 1629 Charter.

 *Also note that the charter is not valid unless it is adhered to in the original Old Puritan English. If you "correct" the spelling  of the document it will lose its divine inspiration and thereby the sacraments of all adhering congregations will loose their  efficacy. *

 */[1]/* *excerpt from the charter,*  And our Will and Pleasure is, and Wee doe hereby for Us, our  Heires and Successors, ordeyne and graunte, That _*/from  henceforth for ever, there shalbe/*_ *one Governor, one Deputy Governor, and eighteene Assistants *of the same Company, to be from tyme to tyme constituted, elected and chosen out of the Freemen of the saide Company, for the twyme being, in such Manner and Forme as hereafter in theis Presents is expressed, which said Officers shall applie themselves to take Care for the best disposeing and ordering of the generall buysines and Affaires of, for, and concerning the said Landes and Premisses hereb  mentioned, to be graunted, and the Plantation thereof, and the Government of the People there.

 *Furthermore the Charter nullifies itself because of the statement  "from henceforth and for ever..." Since there has not been one  Governor one assistant Governor and eighteen assistants the  charter is by its own definition invalid, that is unless you can find each gov, asst gov, and 18 assistants from the revoking of  the charter in 1684 until the present day. This is in order to preserve the truth of said statement. *

** So the current hunt is on for not only 18 current assistants, but also the lineage of assistants gov and asst govs in the past in order to not nullify the charter.

Holly Dean Writes in response:

Yes, it would appear that Heidi and Ruben are in over their heads this time.  Perhaps they'd be more comfortable organizing their little congregation under the rules of a Wendy's franchise agreement--as long as they wouldn't be offended calling their ruling elder a "manager" and having a pretty unvarying pot-luck menu.  I'm sure they could find a dishwashing sink large enough to be used for a baptistry (though I'm not sure OSHA would approve of baptism by immersion) or even a shower in an emergency.  And drive-through services wouldn't even be out of the question.  I believe they could operate this "church" with a minimum crew of 6, which makes its organization a whole lot more likely than if they held out for the eighteen descended from the ancients needed for the Massachusetts Charter.  Plus, any South African member of the church would help them fly under the EEOC radar.  Excommunication would have to follow a strict procedure of  "3 warnings--1 verbal and 2 written."  This would keep the "manager" from getting power-hungry and provide the check and balance a local church without a denomination would need.

Coming tomorrow (or sometime soon)....   "The Mengdom Kingdom Charter," a document nobody in their right minds would sign, and only an insane person could compose.....