My Magnum Opus
Chapter THIRTEEN Who Ate the Advocate? Meanwhile, the court was in chaos. The minister was banging his gavel: Crossing Cow was practicing with his tomahawk in a way that demonstrated how little practice he needed: and several minor characters were adding to the general confusion by singing a loud drinking song in celebration of one of their having said the alphabet, from A to B, backwards. “Your Honor!” Rip was saying. “Your Honor, please, Your Honor, If I could just--” He leisurely lowered his large hand, gesturing torpidly beside his forehead, from an acute angle with the elbow to an obtuse, thereby mesmerizing the court: “about this smuggling charge.” Silence began to gather in the court once more. “YES, YOUNG MAN: I HAVE HEARD OF THIS SMUGGLING CHARGE. IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE THE YOUNG WOMAN IS GUILTY, BUT WE WOULDN’T WANT TO BE TOO HASTY. LET IT FIRST BE DEMONSTRATED WHAT SHE IS ACCUSED OF SMUGGLING.” At this point, Nobilette’s skirt entered, borne of four. “Your honor: this is very difficult.” Rip paused “You see, all I have in the world is a magnet.... This magnet here.” He held it up for the observation of the court, extending the oblique arm into more of a salute. “Whereas that-- that object you see accompanied by four men there: (pointing with the other arm until he had achieved the stance of a traffic director. The crowd gaped in awe) “that is the accused woman’s former skirt.” He swallowed, his Adam’s apple moving manfully. “It would have made a great tablecloth.” Silence reigned as he recovered himself. “This skirt,” he continued “will be put on display here—not just here, Your Honor, but there, by that little plant on the credenza. Let it be entered as Exhibits A, B, C, and D. Let it be E, too, if necessary. Shucks, Your Honor, It can go all the way to V without inconveniencing any of the other exhibits, which are – (here he indolently produced a pink wad from the recesses of his lower jaw) this piece of chewing gum, and that plant on the credenza.” “WHAT DOES THE PLANT HAVE TO DO WITH IT, MY FELLOW MAN?” Rip whirled at the speed of a paper airplane and faced the court: “Your honor,” he said, with an air of deliberation that would have been impossible for a man with shorter or more tractable hair. “I question that plant’s motive for being so near the skirt this time.” A gasp went up from the audience. “AHEM! YOU FORGET, YOUNG MAN, THE SKIRT IS NOT ON TRIAL HERE!” “That's very true, your Honor. Very true. I'm not sure, though, that it isn't at the bottom of things. Witness for instance, this chewing gum – my last piece of chewing gum in the world, Your Honor, – found in the folds of (pausing dramatically) the skirt. (the audience gasped) And when we found the chewing gum, we also found something else…” he paused, dramatically. Then he seemed to forget about the trial and all that had gone before, and started playing with the safety pins on his shirt front. “AND WHAT WAS THAT?” “That? Oh… ah. Well….” he sighed. “Among other things, we found a little sewing kit. You know, the kind women always carry....” Here he sent a searching glance in Nobilette’s direction. But she was looking at her hands, trying very hard not to look at the Seminarian.* “It’s just this, your honor: that when we found the chewing gum, we also discovered- these.” A gasp from the audience. “Ah, er…. no, not these exactly.... (he moved gradually to replace the minister's high school diploma, which he had knocked off the wall in the generosity of the moment), but those, over there.” The audience gasped. For what he indicated, arms akimbo, stacked on the floor by the credenza (not his arms, but something else) were twenty copies of Peter Pan. “YOUNG WOMAN!” thundered the minister. “WHAT WERE YOU DOING WITH THESE? YOU MUST KNOW THIS KIND OF LITERATURE IS BANDED THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE REGION OF THE LOWER LUMBAR! WE ARE RELIGIOUS ROMANCE PEOPLE HERE: WE DON’T WANT YOUR IMAGINATIVE STORIES!” He spit. On Crossing Cow unfortunately, who rose up impromptu and killed somebody. (I told you someone died)
Nobillette blazed out hotly. “I wasn’t taking them to religious-- or to romantic- people! I was taking them to the Seminarians!” “Your honor,” the Seminarian beside her calmly said, “Had we known that she was bringing a version that included such scantily clad depictions of Tinkerbell, we would never have accepted her offer. As it is, we feel that no penalty you impose upon her could be too strict, and it might wake her up out of her two watery, burning pools of….” But he made the mistake of looking at her for inspiration, and was caught with the impossible wonder of a crocodile tearing into a Sambhur. He fell silent. “YOU HAVE EXCOMMUNICATED YOURSELF, YOUNG MAN. WE CAN SEE THAT YOU HAD NOTHING WHATEVER TO DO WITH THE CHEWING GUM WHICH THIS LADY SO BRAZIOUCSLY ACCOMPANIED. AS FOR THIS YOUNG WOMAN... WE SENTENCE HER TO LIFE IN BED!” The crowd roared in exultation. “WAIT!” shouted Nobilette. “I demand the hearing of my defense! I Demand my Advocate!” The crowd blinked in surprise. There was the minister: there was his ear: there was the space beside it but where was the advocate? ….There was a little yellow peel, lying in a heap on the credenza. At the sight of it, the minister began to tremble. “WHO WOULD HAVE DONE THIS?” he cried, then broke into a bitter wail. “WE WERE GOING TO BE MARRIED!” Just then, something on the ground caught the minister’s eye. He reached out a quivering arm and picked it up from where it lay beside the credenza. It was the chewing gum. The minister dusted it off, and contemplated it carefully for a few moments. Then he placed it in his ear. It was a perfect fit.
*Note to Sir Richard: This was not because the Seminarian had, according to popular belief, 'developed a hideous dial or a prominent boil or attained to an advanced state of decomposition while yet alive.' |
