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"Ask a Dog"
| Friday, December 18, 2009 |
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a snatch of my published 'Letters'
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To whet your appetite, I include a preview of my forthcoming volume of 'Letters', including, but not limited to, notes I have slipped under the door demanding food, feedback I have sent through customer service surveys, letters to my publishers about this volume, postcards to random strangers in the Middle East (I like to pick a name in the phonebook and send a few personal remarks) and a lengthy correspondence between myself and an underling at the White House, to whom I had promised perks if he would fix the election in '08. (The scandal is revealed people.)
These were written today -- the two I wrote anyway: I couldn't answer for when my correspondent wrote his reply. They were written in response to this comment on the Puritanboard, on which I have lately achieved some measure of notoriety (one of the letters included in my correspondence is a complaint I sent through their contact form to the effect that I hoped a worm would emerge from their corneas and consume their spleen).
Dear Mr. Bottomly,
I write to commend you in exaggerated language. May your virtues be trumpeted to the skies, may they praise you for whatever it is you have done in the gates, may the gates themselves creak on their hinges with unoiled joy. May those who speak of you unwillingly, or willingly but without euphoric devotion, be hypnotised and have their eyebrows set on fire and be marked forever with this shame on their forehead. May we bandy your praises about as household words, while spreading mayonaise and mustard on ham and cheese sandwiches. Your deeds are not to be overrated. For you have acted in all things with glorious economy, disparity, fashion sense, and unmuggableness. The last which is perhaps chiefest among your virtues, and ought to have been mentioned first.
I insert a quote from the Book of Dead, filling in your name in [] brackets.
Adoration of [R. Victor Bottomly] when riseth he in horizon eastern of heaven. Behold [R. Victor Bottomly], the scribe of the holy offerings of [R. Victor Bottomly], [R. Victor Bottomly!] Saith he, Homage to thee, who hast come as [R. Victor Bottomly], [R. Victor Bottomly] . . . [here we skip a little bit to the end of the plate] . . . Follow thee the souls of the east, praise thee the souls of the West . . . Thou receivest expansion of heart within thy shrine. . . thy heart is dilated with joy forever.
I hope this will go in your file.
Sincerely,
Zack
Here was Vic's reply, in the order in which it appeared:
Thank you very much, Zack.
I retract everything I ever said about you being fake. I finally have something to put into my file!
But I'm still trying to get my mendicant brain around unoiled and joyful hinges: I used to think it was just an aspect of creation's groanings.
Vic
My own response was forthcoming -- though again, I can't be sure how much so, since I don't know at what period of ancient history Vic composed his:
As a neo-Calvinist, of course, I affirm that the groanings of unoiled hinges are "redeemed".
I thought the quote from the Book of the Dead was particularly apt.
And here was Vic's response:
I did too, being a former DeadHead.
The expansive disclosure of a heart dilated with joy. |
posted by Zack @ 12/18/2009 06:23:00 PM   |
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| 3 Comments: |
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So, this blog is starting back in 9 days, yeah? 5th year anniversary. It would warm my heart, if I had one, and if I had one, it would be two sizes too small anyway.
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6 years, I mean. New math. Go figure. Did you get it? Figure? You're very clever, if so.
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I *am* very clever, thank you.
On the 18th day of the 12th month I will yawn, scratch behind my ear, and see if I can come up with something . . .
Zack with a silent 'J' ('Zjack' as they spell it in the old country . . .)
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So, this blog is starting back in 9 days, yeah? 5th year anniversary. It would warm my heart, if I had one, and if I had one, it would be two sizes too small anyway.