Some of you have wondered what happened to me since the last weekly column. I have been undergoing a spiritual crisis. Mostly I passed the time lying in the middle of the road, conserving my strength. The cars would roar and honk around me: it was terrifying, but by exerting myself I managed to sleep through most of it. I came very close to having my ears run over but preserved myself by occasionally flopping them in another direction.
My black sweater is shedding fuzzies all over my blue shirt. I look like a hairy bruise, and I know I'll always be single. Can you recommend a perfume that will drive men wild?
Furry in Frankfort
Dear Furry,
Since your question was both incoherent and stupid, I consulted a failed fashion expert and a former (unsuccessful) fortune cookie writer on your behalf. The fashion expert writes that FUZZIES are IN, that the bruised look makes a man feel strong and protective, and that the surest way to drive men wild is to smell like steak. She recommends "Filet Mignonette", or "Adam's Prime Rib". The former fortune cookie writer advises to look both ways before you cross the street, as something big is about to mow you down. He was fired from 'Once Upon a Won Ton' for his racy style: the fortune cookie industry isn't ready for that kind of thing; but I find it refreshing after your comment. Let me know if by some fluke you have any loved ones: I'll keep an eye on the obituaries for you.
A Romney presidential campaign sign by the side of the road prompts this question:
Is Mitt a given first name, a nick name, or is it short for something?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Mitt is short for something. As with the name 'Ruben' which means, "Lo, a Son"; Mitt's real name means literally, "Lo, an Emission". He is reluctant to let this leak out to the public because of the negative effect on environmentally conscious voters.
Dear Zack, My coworker and I have been discussing the probability that, had the temptation in the garden been a vegetable instead of a fruit, we might still be living there now. Besides, "Eating the forbidden vegetable" doesn't have the same cadence... What are your thoughts on this?
Green Pepper or Apple?
Dear Green Pepper or Apple?
Eve is a religious fiction: scientists now believe that the mother of all humanity was a woman. She lived in a cave, and her husband beat her with his bangy thing and dragged her around by the hair. (We have recovered tufts of hair and a knuckle in a cave from which we have reconstructed the scenario.) If she had any illusion of choice in the matter of fruits and vegetables it was a bitterness to her as her husband, being dominant, chose first. Don't be too hard on him: he was acting in keeping with contemporary morality, which as we've seen in a previous column, arises from contemporary food. To pass moral judgment on his actions is as meaningful as to say 'I now have a wider selection of summer vegetables on which to exercise my biological impulses'. This is indeed, the highest attainment of man; and you ought to be proud of it, but let's not demean it with moral implications. Celebrate it for all that it's worth. After billions of years, you've managed to diversify the food chain. Congrats.
Dear Zack,
I have this co-worker who is constantly harassing me. I believe she is intimidated by my superior intellect. Is there a way to ease the tension without dumbing down to her level? Some people are as sharp as a knitting needle, while others tend to be just yarn.
Signed,
Not Yarn.
Dear Not Yarn,
A knitting needle is a pretty blunt object. Try spearing gnats with one of those, my friend. A sharpened number 2 lead pencil and its eraser would have been a better analogy. As to your main question I find that I too am intimidated by your superior intellect. (That is a joke I was telling to ease the tension between us caused by my own intellectual superiority.) Have you tried demeaning your co-worker in public? Perhaps you could have her sit on something that makes noise. I would suggest reading "How to Ease Tension Caused by Your Superior Intellect for Dummies". It changed my life. I wrote it. The thesis of the book is that the root of the problem is low self esteem. I would suggest reading "How to Raise Your Opinion of Your Superior Intellect For Insecure Dummies". I can send you an autographed copy. Finally, I find that often people who harass others are in-bred. Ask your co-worker to cross her eyes and if she looks like a moose, it's a sure sign. Honesty is always the best policy in these sad cases. Be gentle but firm. Explain to your co-worker (it may take some time if she keeps blanking out) that she is the product of too many similar genes. This should ease the strain considerably.
Salom, Zack, Wherezit say I gotta pay taxes? Fair Issy
Dear Issy,
Your acne related question is being processed. In the meantime I would suggest that you stop accessing the internet from jail.
Wow..from the mouth of dogs..
You've hit the nail on the head. Who is more at fault in this situation, the female or male?
Let me translate into K-9: Who's to blame, the smell emiter or the sniffer?
from
miker
Dear Miker,
Sensing the demands placed upon me by your more English vocabulary, I called in an expert on your behalf to do Eenie Meenie Miney Mo. In terms of male/female, he landed on female. In terms of smell emitter/sniffer he landed on sniffer. He did a tie breaker with chromosones 'X' and 'Y' but got stuck saying 'eeniemeeniemineymeenieeenie' and had to be put down. A hazard of the job, one of the most dangerous on the planet. To translate this into your own idiom, your career is calling.
And finally, Lauren asks: suggestive of what?
Dear Lauren,
In three words you have managed to sum up the human experience. I considered directing you to the teachings of Pythagorus ("....the scientific attitude led him to his proposition on right-angled triangles, while his mystic insight showed him that it is wicked to eat beans." Bertrand Russell, Our Knowledge of the External World); but Winnie the Pooh seems to come closer to answering your question with 'hephalumps and woozels'. There are also Dumbo's 'Pink Elephants on Parade', and the meatball that was lost when somebody sneezed. It seems to have rolled almost everywhere: a remote tribe of cannibalistic tree people just contacted in Papua tell a strange story of a passing meatball.
Labels: cucumber related issues, meatball legends, morality, politics, relationship advice |
