Strugr

Dear Zack,

Howdy from Kentucky! Lately I've been seeing this guy who sneezes every time we kiss. Should I change my lipstick brand (Wild Thing's Mustang Red) for a man I barely know to secure a relationship that just began yesterday evening at the bowling alley?

Distressfully yours, Pouty in Paduka

Dear Pouty, with a noncommittal attitude like this (you seem to disparage the fact that you met him just yesterday), you can hardly expect any relationship with any hobo you pick up in any alley to mature. Do you want a man or a tube of lipstick in your declining years? Since you seem an unintelligent, indecisive sort I expect you don't know. This is the root of your dilemma. You need to somehow or other decide if a shade of cosmetics is more important than a human being. I suggest you toss a coin.

Yesterday I decorated two cucumbers as people--one as a man and one as a woman. The man has a mustache, and the woman has lips. They both have crossed eyes. I named them Mr. and Mrs. Cucilumber. They're sitting on my desk now, and I plan to eat one of them today. Why do I feel guilty about it? And who do I eat first? Cucumber Cannibal

Dear Cannibal, There seem to be two issues here: the gender distinctions you impose on the cucumbers and your desire to consume them as befits their gender. I would just point out that with the genetic differences between our hair follicles and those of the cucumber it is conceivable that the cucumber with the mustache is actually a woman. This being the case, there is simply no way to consume them in a gender appropriate manner. I would suggest choosing some other, less indeterminate factor. Which has bigger eyes? Then, toss a coin.

Guilt is a function of the imagination, which is the product of chemical changes in the brain, which is directly controlled by diet. Morality arises from food. Your guilt is an indicator that you lack the brain chemicals to perceive that the cucumbers are just as chemically determined as yourself, and therefore, just as valueless. In reality you probably need to eat the cucumbers to gain this perspective, but in your chemical anxiety you seek to assign a value to the cucumbers that you imagine yourself possessing because you experience guilt. In reality the guilt is chemical, you are chemical, the cucumber is chemical, the morality arising from the cucumber is chemical. Stop thinking of the cucumbers as people. Think of yourself as a giant summer squash. In this universe without values, size and strength are all that matters. And they don't. Eat or die, basically. It doesn't matter which: both are chemically determined. I suggest you toss a coin. It's your only chance at randomness, and randomness is the only chance at meaning.

Dear Zack,

I shall be serving 7 consecutive prison terms for murdering 7 consecutive husbands. My first question is, would you take care of my cat while I serve this time? And my second question is, to which of these dolts shall I be hitched in heaven?

Yours truly,

Hethsdotter

Dear Dotter,

I am, as I stated above, an atheist and can hardly address questions regarding the afterlife. However, sensing the delicate, troubled nature of your spiritual question, I have consulted a Muslim imam on your behalf. He writes:

"Hethsdotter, I honor you. You have killed seven of the infidel. You will dwell in the seventh paradise, with seven times seven dolts. Your earthly husbands, having not slain anyone but only being slain themselves, are not fit to dwell in paradise."

I like this system. It has a lot in common with my own beliefs if we take 'paradise' to be a projected nature parable. He also mentioned that technically, the word often translated 'dolt' is the word for 'raisins'. Your reward for killing the infidel appears to be a pound or so of dried fruit. Again, my own beliefs are not so dissimilar. As for your cat, I hear that Noriega is looking for a pet to lavish himself upon when his sentence is up. You might ask there.

Also, a question I answered previously in the comments:

I've recently switched to a new line of hair care products. The line includes mousse, hairspray, scented shampoo and conditioner, and gravity defying gel. Should I pay with cash or debit?

Wondering at Work

Dear Wondering: for gravity defying use debit. You'll need your cash in space. Contrary to popular opinion, visa is not 'everywhere you want to be'.

Labels: cucumber related issues, haircare, Muslim consultant, Noriega, relationship advice

My black sweater is shedding fuzzies all over my blue shirt. I look like a hairy bruise, and I know I'll always be single. Can you recommend a perfume that will drive men wild? Furry in Frankfort

Dear Furry, Since your question was both incoherent and stupid, I consulted a failed fashion expert and a former (unsuccessful) fortune cookie writer on your behalf. The fashion expert writes that FUZZIES are IN, that the bruised look makes a man feel strong and protective, and that the surest way to drive men wild is to smell like steak. She recommends "Filet Mignonette", or "Adam's Prime Rib". The former fortune cookie writer advises to look both ways before you cross the street, as something big is about to mow you down. He was fired from 'Once Upon a Won Ton' for his racy style: the fortune cookie industry isn't ready for that kind of thing; but I find it refreshing after your comment. Let me know if by some fluke you have any loved ones: I'll keep an eye on the obituaries for you.

A Romney presidential campaign sign by the side of the road prompts this question: Is Mitt a given first name, a nick name, or is it short for something?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous, Mitt is short for something. As with the name 'Ruben' which means, "Lo, a Son"; Mitt's real name means literally, "Lo, an Emission". He is reluctant to let this leak out to the public because of the negative effect on environmentally conscious voters.

Dear Zack, My coworker and I have been discussing the probability that, had the temptation in the garden been a vegetable instead of a fruit, we might still be living there now. Besides, "Eating the forbidden vegetable" doesn't have the same cadence... What are your thoughts on this? Green Pepper or Apple?

Dear Green Pepper or Apple? Eve is a religious fiction: scientists now believe that the mother of all humanity was a woman. She lived in a cave, and her husband beat her with his bangy thing and dragged her around by the hair. (We have recovered tufts of hair and a knuckle in a cave from which we have reconstructed the scenario.) If she had any illusion of choice in the matter of fruits and vegetables it was a bitterness to her as her husband, being dominant, chose first. Don't be too hard on him: he was acting in keeping with contemporary morality, which as we've seen in a previous column, arises from contemporary food. To pass moral judgment on his actions is as meaningful as to say 'I now have a wider selection of summer vegetables on which to exercise my biological impulses'. This is indeed, the highest attainment of man; and you ought to be proud of it, but let's not demean it with moral implications. Celebrate it for all that it's worth. After billions of years, you've managed to diversify the food chain. Congrats.

Dear Zack, I have this co-worker who is constantly harassing me. I believe she is intimidated by my superior intellect. Is there a way to ease the tension without dumbing down to her level? Some people are as sharp as a knitting needle, while others tend to be just yarn. Signed, Not Yarn.

Dear Not Yarn,

A knitting needle is a pretty blunt object. Try spearing gnats with one of those, my friend. A sharpened number 2 lead pencil and its eraser would have been a better analogy. As to your main question I find that I too am intimidated by your superior intellect. (That is a joke I was telling to ease the tension between us caused by my own intellectual superiority.) Have you tried demeaning your co-worker in public? Perhaps you could have her sit on something that makes noise. I would suggest reading "How to Ease Tension Caused by Your Superior Intellect for Dummies". It changed my life. I wrote it. The thesis of the book is that the root of the problem is low self esteem. I would suggest reading "How to Raise Your Opinion of Your Superior Intellect For Insecure Dummies". I can send you an autographed copy. Finally, I find that often people who harass others are in-bred. Ask your co-worker to cross her eyes and if she looks like a moose, it's a sure sign. Honesty is always the best policy in these sad cases. Be gentle but firm. Explain to your co-worker (it may take some time if she keeps blanking out) that she is the product of too many similar genes. This should ease the strain considerably.

Salom, Zack,

Wherezit say I gotta pay taxes?

Fair Issy

Dear Issy, Your acne related question is being processed. In the meantime I would suggest that you stop accessing the internet from jail.

Wow..from the mouth of dogs.. You've hit the nail on the head. Who is more at fault in this situation, the female or male? Let me translate into K-9: Who's to blame, the smell emiter or the sniffer? from miker

Dear Miker, Sensing the demands placed upon me by your more English vocabulary, I called in an expert on your behalf to do Eenie Meenie Miney Mo. In terms of male/female, he landed on female. In terms of smell emitter/sniffer he landed on sniffer. He did a tie breaker with chromosones 'X' and 'Y' but got stuck saying 'eeniemeeniemineymeenieeenie' and had to be put down. A hazard of the job, one of the most dangerous on the planet. To translate this into your own idiom, your career is calling.

And finally, Lauren asks:

suggestive of what?

Dear Lauren, In three words you have managed to sum up the human experience. I considered directing you to the teachings of Pythagorus ("....the scientific attitude led him to his proposition on right-angled triangles, while his mystic insight showed him that it is wicked to eat beans." Bertrand Russell, Our Knowledge of the External World); but Winnie the Pooh seems to come closer to answering your question with 'hephalumps and woozels'. There are also Dumbo's 'Pink Elephants on Parade', and the meatball that was lost when somebody sneezed. It seems to have rolled almost everywhere: a remote tribe of cannibalistic tree people just contacted in Papua tell a strange story of a passing meatball.

Labels: cucumber related issues, meatball legends, morality, politics, relationship advice