Dear Zack,
Howdy from Kentucky! Lately I've been seeing this guy who sneezes every time we kiss. Should I change my lipstick brand (Wild Thing's Mustang Red) for a man I barely know to secure a relationship that just began yesterday evening at the bowling alley?
Distressfully yours,
Pouty in Paduka
Dear Pouty, with a noncommittal attitude like this (you seem to disparage the fact that you met him just yesterday), you can hardly expect any relationship with any hobo you pick up in any alley to mature. Do you want a man or a tube of lipstick in your declining years? Since you seem an unintelligent, indecisive sort I expect you don't know. This is the root of your dilemma. You need to somehow or other decide if a shade of cosmetics is more important than a human being. I suggest you toss a coin.
Yesterday I decorated two cucumbers as people--one as a man and one as a woman. The man has a mustache, and the woman has lips. They both have crossed eyes. I named them Mr. and Mrs. Cucilumber. They're sitting on my desk now, and I plan to eat one of them today. Why do I feel guilty about it? And who do I eat first?
Cucumber Cannibal
Dear Cannibal,
There seem to be two issues here: the gender distinctions you impose on the cucumbers and your desire to consume them as befits their gender. I would just point out that with the genetic differences between our hair follicles and those of the cucumber it is conceivable that the cucumber with the mustache is actually a woman. This being the case, there is simply no way to consume them in a gender appropriate manner. I would suggest choosing some other, less indeterminate factor. Which has bigger eyes? Then, toss a coin.
Guilt is a function of the imagination, which is the product of chemical changes in the brain, which is directly controlled by diet. Morality arises from food. Your guilt is an indicator that you lack the brain chemicals to perceive that the cucumbers are just as chemically determined as yourself, and therefore, just as valueless. In reality you probably need to eat the cucumbers to gain this perspective, but in your chemical anxiety you seek to assign a value to the cucumbers that you imagine yourself possessing because you experience guilt. In reality the guilt is chemical, you are chemical, the cucumber is chemical, the morality arising from the cucumber is chemical. Stop thinking of the cucumbers as people. Think of yourself as a giant summer squash. In this universe without values, size and strength are all that matters. And they don't. Eat or die, basically. It doesn't matter which: both are chemically determined. I suggest you toss a coin. It's your only chance at randomness, and randomness is the only chance at meaning.
Dear Zack,
I shall be serving 7 consecutive prison terms for murdering 7 consecutive husbands. My first question is, would you take care of my cat while I serve this time? And my second question is, to which of these dolts shall I be hitched in heaven?
Yours truly, Hethsdotter
Dear Dotter,
I am, as I stated above, an atheist and can hardly address questions regarding the afterlife. However, sensing the delicate, troubled nature of your spiritual question, I have consulted a Muslim imam on your behalf. He writes:
"Hethsdotter, I honor you. You have killed seven of the infidel. You will dwell in the seventh paradise, with seven times seven dolts. Your earthly husbands, having not slain anyone but only being slain themselves, are not fit to dwell in paradise."
I like this system. It has a lot in common with my own beliefs if we take 'paradise' to be a projected nature parable. He also mentioned that technically, the word often translated 'dolt' is the word for 'raisins'. Your reward for killing the infidel appears to be a pound or so of dried fruit. Again, my own beliefs are not so dissimilar. As for your cat, I hear that Noriega is looking for a pet to lavish himself upon when his sentence is up. You might ask there.
Also, a question I answered previously in the comments:
I've recently switched to a new line of hair care products. The line includes mousse, hairspray, scented shampoo and conditioner, and gravity defying gel. Should I pay with cash or debit?
Wondering at Work
Dear Wondering: for gravity defying use debit. You'll need your cash in space. Contrary to popular opinion, visa is not 'everywhere you want to be'. Labels: cucumber related issues, haircare, Muslim consultant, Noriega, relationship advice |
